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Voldie Goes To Mordor
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Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in Voldie Goes to Mordor's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, April 4th, 2007
10:16 am
*Voldie chills out on a beach with shades on and 1,000 proof sunscreen on*

Voldie: Wonder what those young'un wizards have been up too.

Random Pencil: I think they're plotting to kill you....

Voldie: Well that sucks. I guess i'll just have to go and get that chocolate full body massage that i've been putting off before the next book comes out then eh?

Random Pencil: Cheese!!!!

Shifty Character: Meanwhile...in a dark ally....

Harry: So Ron, you think you and Hermione will get it on soon?

Ron: Yo i got this new rap i be makin' up fo her and she gonna be so into me yo!

*Whirling sounds can be heard somewhere in the allyway*

*Hermione wanders in the ally*

Hermie: Hey why are we in this dark ally way and why is there a blue police box suddenly materializing over there?

Ron: Hey baby forget about the box and let me show you what's in my box! i mean pants!

Harry: Yeah you are one smooth dude.

*Hermione, ignoring Ron's advances wanders towards the tall stranger clad in a pinstriped suit, long brown jacket and red chunks who now appears to be leaning against said blue box.*

The Doctor: Hey there.

Hermione: Hello nice strange man.

Ron: Yo who be this fool hitting on my woman.

The Doctor: Wanna ride in my TARDIS. It's bigger on the inside.

Hermione: Oh well i totally dont think i can. You know what with having to help kill off Voldie and being forced possibly into an unloving union with Ron by JKR.

*Ron noticing that Hermione is taking a liking to this Doctor pulls out his wand.*

Ron: Yeah what she said. Yo box go nothing on what i got! Hey that rhymes.

Harry: Dude your hair is just as messy mine!

The Doctor: But mine is more sexyily so. Did i mention my box travels in time? And my companion that i usually travel with is away at the moment. *wink wink nudge nudge*

Harry: Are you a wizard?

The Doctor: Nah. Time Lord.

Harry: ???? Ooooo and you travel in a box! How normal and cool and sexy and practical.

TARDIS: Stuff it kid or i'll rematarialize on top of you!

Hermione: You know maybe one little trip in your box would be interesting. And i'll be back in time for the seventh book...

Ron: Yo! You be ma woman come back and i show you that i be bringin' sexy back.

The Doctor: Is he always like this?

Harry: When he's off his meds yes.

The Doctor: Come along then the TARDIS is getting heated up to go.

TARDIS: Pervert.

The Doctor: Well you are.

*Hermione runs into the TARDIS after the doctor* *TARDIS whirls away*

Harry: That was random.

Paw S.: Yes. Yes it was. *Rubs hands together* Mwaaaaaaahhhhh*snort*

Ron: Lets go cause i gots to work on a new rap yo fo ma new album i be cuttin word.
Friday, February 17th, 2006
1:01 pm
Voldie: Harry!
Harry: Ron!
Ron: Hermione!
Voldie: Harry! Harry! Harry!
Fred: George!
George: Fred!
Hermione: Snape!
Snape: Angst!
Crabbe: Doyle!
Doyle: Crabbe! i wish i knew how to quit yew! Crabbe!
Michael: Waaaaaaaaaalt!

Voldie: Where did he come from?
Michael: Ah sorry man wrong story. *runs away* Waaaalt!

Dumbledore: Where were we? ah yes...Fawks!!!
Sunday, December 11th, 2005
2:04 am
Shifty Character: Meanwhile, back at Hogwarts...
Voldie: *wails* Why'd he have to do it??! Poor Dumbly, gone forever and ever! Oh how I hate that Snape!

Random Mammoth Tusk: There, there Voldie. It's not so bad...you've got to keep your mind focused on getting to Mordor!

Voldie: Yeah...about that...well it might be awhile really, now I've got my Death Eater homies back and such.

Lucius Malfoy: Muggles to kill, wizards to torture! No time, no time at all! Must be going, you see! *hurries away*

Voldie: *Looks on fondly* Well he does love his job! Not the best job security, you know. Just the other day he threatened to go to the Muggle police if I didn't give him a pension plan! Well, such is the competitive workplace nowadays.

Abraxas Malfoy (Malfoy's grandfather): Why, sonny, back in my day there was no such thing! You killed for the love of the job! All this nonsense...Grindelwald would have heard none of it!

Voldie: Ah, but he's not around anymore! Ought to have taken a leaf from my book!

Random Uruk-Hai: Hmm, maybe we should talk to Saruman...I'd like a two-week paid vacation and a break for every 5 hours' pillaging, every 3 hours' cutting down trees.

Arnold (Ginny's Pygmy Puff): Aye! I hear you brother!

Uruk-Hai: Who in tarnation are you?

Arnold: I might say the same about you!

Uruk-Hai: *sidles away*

Grond: What up?

Arnold: Oh nothing. Just having a cup of tea with Voldie here and reminiscing about the good ol' days.

Grond: Oh. Well, what about going to Mordor and all that?

Arnold: Well you see, it's been put on hold at the moment, as Voldie is taking some time off to wage war against the rest of Wizardkind and the Muggles.

Grond: I see. Well, tell him I send my regards.

Ron: Fo shizzle ma nizzle, yo.

Hermione: Ronald, please! It does not turn me on when you talk ghetto.

Ron: Yo milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.

Harry: I know it does.

Random Pencil: Why on earth is that random purple puffy thing getting all the attention?! *jealous look*

Arnold: YOUR MOM is getting all the attention.

Random Pencil: Bring it, biatch!!


Voldie: *squeals, falls off chair*

Mad-Eye: Sorry bout that. It just comes out every so often.

Random Pencil and Random Mammoth Tusk: *conspire* ...effing puffball...*conspire*

Shifty Character: Meanwhile...
Monday, September 26th, 2005
11:11 pm
Voldie: So...

Sauron: So...How about that Sixth Harry Potter book. Pretty shady stuff going on.

Voldie: Yep. Anything happening with you? No short furry people trying to bring about your demise?

Sauron: Nope. They stopped that after awhile.

Voldie: Yeah i was thinking about not killing Harry. He's quite an odd chap and would be nice to have around to tea someday.

Plot: Yeah try to get that past JKR. I tried to get Sirius to come back from the dead and more Lupin and werewolf action but she just decided to kill more people off as revenge.

Voldie: Thats a bummer.

Saurmon: Hey dudes who caused the Hurricanes down in New Orleans?

Sauron: I think it was some new dark lord or God's pissed off or having a fun time messing with people's minds.

Saurmon: Dudes i totally saw Frodo surfing on the waves of one of them hurricanes.

Sauron: He's keeping pretty busy after all that bother with the ring stuff.

*Suddenly the writer of this dialogue gets distracted and sleepy...the characters are left in limbo and nothing is resolved*

Voldie: Hey i found some beer keg here. Lets have some fun!

Sauron: Woot! Partaaaay!
Wednesday, August 3rd, 2005
11:43 pm
Is this the very first VgM monologue?
*Plot awakens slowly realizing that the bed it has been sleeping in is not it's own. Neither is the bedroom.*

Plot: jesus, what a night at the pub. Last thing I remember I was hanging out with that one chick...what was her name...J.K.....something-ruther. J.K...Roundy?J.K.....Roberts? Huh, whatever her name was I hope she didn't get me to do anything *too* stupid while I was completly inebriated. You know I'd feel terrible if someone important died or became possesed by the creature within....
Friday, July 22nd, 2005
7:59 pm
Tuesday, May 24th, 2005
11:43 am
Paw sees StarWars and writes a new character.
*I have become a StarWars Geek very slowly....lord help us*

Voldie: Hey guys i just ran into my old tennis partner! Darth Vader. He's a dark lord as well.

Darth Vader: Hey whats happening *breaths*

Harry: Um why are you wearing that mask?

Darth Vader: Helps me breath considering my lungs got pretty much wrecked when i was being covered in lava a few years back.

Legolas: Oh! new massage treatment?

Darth V.: No. It was an accident...of sorts.

Legolas: Okay then. You dont look that intimidating for a dark lord though. I mean come on. That helmet just looks like you stole it from some Hell's Angels motorcycle gang. And black is sooo cliche for a dark lord. Why not mauve?

DV: I am a dark lord though!

Ron: Right. And i am going to live out my dream to marry Draco and live together in the South of France with our surrogate child born from Hermione. This child shall be named Emanuel and he will be the greatest rugby player to ever live.

Draco and Hermione: Excuse me?

Ron: Um...nothing...

Voldie: Come on guys he is soo a dark lord.

DV: Yeah def. I mean the fact that i killed a bunch of people (the women and children as well!) who were holding my dying mother in captive and then proceeded to go against the Jedi order and marry some hot chica knock her up and then kill some more people slowly going over to the dark side of the Force which culminates in a heated lightsaber battle with my friend and mentor whom i had betrayed.

Paw S.: Oh it was a heated battle all right.

DV: What?

Paw S.: Oh like no one could tell about the *hint hint nudge nudge* relationship between you and Obi Wan.

Voldie: Hey dude its not nice to make assumptions.

Paw S.: Obi Wan was soooo shagging your wife DV. Yeah his whole "lightsaber training with a new padwan"...Obi told me everything. And i hear that he also had a go at your mum. Lets just say that her midichlorine count definatly went up a bit with Obi.

DV: *moves a big rock towards Paw S. with Force*

Paw S.: I am writing this dialogue! Your puny Sith lord tricks wont work on me!

DV: Fine i think i will just go and sulk in that there corner.

Harry: He's rather angsty for a dark lord. Whats his prob.

Voldie: Got made fun of alot for his asthma as a boy. Always wore to much black, was a mamma's boy. You know the usual basic social quirks that lead to Dark Lordness.
Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005
4:43 pm
Ron: Wow that was some wicked weather happening eh?

Harry: You just said 'eh'. Are you trying to be Canadian or something?

Ron: Actually yes. Yes i am. I am trying to get a recording contract as a Canadian rap artist. My stage name shall be MooseyMoose. Word to your mum!

Legolas: OMG! Leik can i have your autograph since you're leik famous and all?

Ron: Sure babe-er dude...

Frodo: So. Where is this plot moving.

Plot: I am moving nowhere actually considering i quite like standing here in the middle of oblivian with random characters dawldling about nothingness.

Frodo: Well wont it get rather boring just standing here and talking?

Plot: Well we do apparently have our very own Rap artist to entertain us and i need to catch up on my reading anyway.

Paw S.: I reckon i just personified Plot. Wonder if that has been done before.

Paw G.: Naw dont think so Paw.

Frodo: Hey i think i just found out the answer to life the universe and everything! and its not 42!

Voldie: OOOOO will it make me rich and famous and the most powerful dark lord in the world?

Sauron: Actually i like to consider myself the most awesome and powerful dark lord.

Voldie: You're a bloody flaming eye and you got killed already! Shush!

Sauron: *Runs into a corner and cries*

Paw S.: Voldie go apologies. You know how much Sauron misses his ring! Bad Dark Lord! BAd!

Voldie: Sorry. *mutters something about flaming red eyes and their girly sensitivities to things*

Frodo: Dude no one wants to hear my answer?

Random Pencil: Not really concidering that i know my exsistance will be over once i run out of lead and am whittled down to nothing but an eraser and some metal.

Harry: Way to be optomistic about things there mate!

Hagrid: 'Arry! You're a wizard!

Harry: Actually Hagrid i am not a wizard who ever told you that is wrong.

Hagrid: But Dumbledore-

Harry: You listened to that old ponce?

Dumbledore: Actually i am not that sure Harry is a wizard. He could be something completely different. I was totally smoking some awesome pipeweed with some hobbits when i told you that Harry was a wizard and all that jazz.

Hagrid: Wait. but-I need to go think all this over. *Runs to the nearest pub for some ale*

Harry: That should keep him busy for awhile.

Plot: Hmm....ale sounds nice i think i will join him.

Frodo: Wait the plot is moving?

Plot: I reckon if you all wanna come to the pub with me but nothing much will probably happen as i will be in a drunken stuppor most of the time.
Wednesday, April 27th, 2005
5:55 pm
Aprilly: Guess what I'm doing!!!!

Legolas: Hmmm.... Playing the accordian with your nose?

Aprilly: Naw. Avoiding my paper, that's what.

She-who-must-not-be-named: Ooh! Ooh! I wanna do that too!

Frodo: We can all avoid doing papers. Yay!

Random Pencil: That would put me out of a job!

Random Pen: Me too!

Hermione: Oh, come now, Random Pencil. You haven't written a paper since back in 1990 when there weren't no computers. And back in those days you were just a twig!

Random Pencil: That's pencilist, that is. Just because you don't feel I'm doing my job you're going to deprive me of opportunities? I don't think so.

Hagrid: Harry, yer a wizard!

Harry: Damn, I forgot that he did that.

Hagrid: I thought ye mighta forgot.

Ron: He might have. It has been a while.

Harry: Yeah maybe I forgot how to do the turning random pencils into spiders charm too.


Random Pencil/Spider: This is so not fair.

Grawp: Me wanta be in story too!

Gandalf: He's a mighty big fellow, isn't he?

Grawp: RAWR!!!

Gandalf: Eep!

Paw G: So, why has it been snowing in April. I believe it was blizzarding the other day.

Paw S: Was it? *twiddles thumbs*

Random Kiwi Weather God: Ye know, we don't get to make blizzards very often. Thanks for the job, Paw S. We can come beck whenever ye need us.

Aprilly: What was that all about?

Paw S: Aw, nothing. Them crazy kiwi weather gods never make any sense.
Tuesday, April 19th, 2005
4:44 pm
Doing the same thing as Robin Comma Clancy
Voldie: Whoa... where are we know?

Paw S: I brought you to my secret lair.

Legolas: Secret lair? No way. I didn't even pack my cute Gucci Secret Lair sandals!

Sauron: Hmmm... This secret lair looks somewhat familiar.

Paw S: Okay, okay, I lied. It's not my secret lair, it's New Zealand, which is ALMOST the same.

Legolas: Oh, good! I do happen to have my Prada "It's Not a Secret Lair, It's Just New Zealand, Which is ALMOST the Same" sandals.

Ron: Do they make those? Ooh! I want a pair!

Draco: I think I'll go ask my father for some.

Harry: Ron, you can't even afford decent dress robes. How can you afford those?

Ron: I'll sell Percy!

Percy: Hmm... This cauldron seems rather leaky. I mean, if you hold it at a 180 degree angle and shake it, nothing stays in whatsoever!

Fred: Perce, you're holding it upside down.

Percy: It leaks I tell ye!!!! *laughs maniacally whilst shaking cauldron*

Random Pencil: Oh, Random Mammoth Tusk, would you mind passing me a pina colada and some more suntan?

Random Mammoth Tusk: Kein problem, Zufalig Pencil!

New Pope: Ja! Ich spreche deutsch!

Sauron: *shivers* He's scarier than me and I'm a giant eyeball.

New Pope: Ich blesse du!

Voldie: *hides*

Aprilly: *is struck by lightening bolt*

Paw: Yup, good old New Zealand. It's the only place where you see more sheep on the beach than tourists.

Random Sheep: Baaaa.

Random Pencil: Keep away from my pina colada you nasty beach sheep!
3:31 pm
I can't believe I'm doing this...
RC:Hey, the long lost Voldie goes to Mordor Story!!! Anything to keep me from writing this stupid paper.

RC's paper: I'm still heeeere!

RC: Shut up! *kicks paper*

Shifty Character:Meanwhile....

RC: errr...What?

Shifty Character: "Meanwhile...." That's what I'm supposed to say everytime the plot shifts.

RC: oh....Ok.

So the last time we left our heroes of Voldie Goes to Mordor, they had not yet made it to Mordor, and were finally recovering the smoking ruins of their digninty after the "disney land parade float incident"
But in other climes-

Shifty Character: Meanwhile!

RC: Wait! not yet!

Shifty character: but I have to say "meanwhile" everytime we shift scenes. Elsewise I would have no purpose in the story!!

RC: Well its not like you would be the only completly pointless character. Look, how am I supposed to narrate if you insist on interupting me in mid-narration?

Shifty Character: Look all I know is that I'm supposed to say "Meanwhile...." every time we change scenes. It's not like I get a lot of enjoyment out of it. Do you know how many times I've just wanted to scream "Elsewhere..." or "at the same time...?" But I can't. It's in my contract, its what I have to do.

RC: I knew there was a reason why I never tried to write in this story before.

Random Pen: I beg to differ!


Shifty Character: Look as long as you let me do my job, I'm willing to work with you. We can co-narrate, we'd make a good pair you and I....I mean at least we are friends!

RC: What?

Shifty Character: Sorry got a bit carried away there. So what do you say?


Shifty Character: That's the spirit!
Saturday, March 19th, 2005
3:54 pm
Paw gets into the scots dialect generator again....
Voldie: ach, i cannae believe Sauron is still whinging 'bout losin' his bloody ring. He was talking bout getting a new one made but then i says Away an bile yer heid ya numpty,ye dinnae ken whit yer talkin aboot nobody wants ta make a cheap arse ring for a bloody flaming eye with no fingers. And then he goes an has himself a cry the sissy.

Paw: Have you been drinking Voldie?

Voldie: Nae. I had only a wee dram of ale for st. patricks day after i gae some boy ma best Glesca Kiss. He ran home to his maw holding his heid. I dinnae hit him that hard.

Harry: Was that before or after you started to sing "Like a Virgin" on the table wearing a pink boa.

Voldie: After. The wee boy was making fun of me so i said your gettin yir face panned in.

Paw: I reckon yer still drunk from st. patricks day...

Voldie: blah!
Monday, November 22nd, 2004
1:25 pm
Sauron: Well that was one happening party *yawns* i am in need of some shut eye.

Random Orc: But you dont have an eyelid sir so how-

Sauron: *slaps random orc with a herring* figure of speech you halfwit inbred exuse for an orc.

Random Orc: Ouch that hurt. *goes and jumps into Cracks of Doom*

Sauron: I need to stop breeding uber sensitive and suicidal orcs.

Shifty Character: Um i forgot my line....Oh yeah Meanwhile....

Voldie: Hey how about we all put on a play or make a movie starring yours truely.

Sam: I dont know any Yours Truely.

Ron: Can i be the cliched white wannabe rapper dude in the story? Yo 'sup hommies. Wanna git wit me. I gonna pimp your ride. Cause i Rulezzz.

Harry: Have you been watching MTV again after i told you that its evil?

Ron: Legolas was watching something on Brittney Spears and it dragged me in...it knows....

Frodo: Knows what? *Ron mysteriously walks away and starts to head bang to music that is not playing* I think something odd is going on here.

Legolas: How does that Barbie elf song go again?

Mordor: Well i am needed back on the southeast part of Middle Earth. People are starting to wonder why there is a big gaping hole by Minas Tirith. *land mass shifts*

Pippin: Maybe we are stuck on a tropical island with a scary disease that makes everyone slowly go insane!

Merry: *finds random guitar in a guitar case on a rock* Whats this?

Pippin: A guitar....You dont know how to play the guitar.

Merry: *Starts playing some funky yet bad song* No i guess i dont but i am sooo craving some of that Pipeweed for some reason now.

Voldie: Okay so anyone like my idea?

Legolas: I do! I think that it is soooo a good idea to build a mall with lots and lots of pink in it!

Paw: I got to get goin' to class. Were is that shifty character?

Shifty Character: Shush i am trying to win this backgammon game!

Paw G.: OOOOO i shall do it then! *ahem* Meanwhile....indeed!
12:41 pm
Voldie: Well, it seems to me in order to continue our hijinks, we need a brand new adventure.

Legolas: I know!

Voldie: What?

Legolas: We can... GO TO MORDOR!

Mordor: *ahem*

Aragorn: Yeah, we already did that.

Samwise: Yeah, remember? I got to snog Mr. Frodo and everything!

Rosie Cotton: Although he still ended up marrying me. Talk about sexual denial.

Gandalf: I think we should go to the Grey Havens.

Ronald Weasely: But isn't there some rule or something that says only certain people can go?

Gandalf: Exactly.

Bilbo: Millenium hand and shrimp!

Dumbledore: Nitwit! Oddwick! Oh, blast I've forgotten the rest of my inane ramblings.

Saruman: What we need to do is set up a wicked cool dance club right here and we would never have to go on adventures again.

Random Pencil: But going on adventures is part of the fun. Otherwise how can I take over the world?

Random Mammoth Tusk: *whispers to Random Pencil*

Random Pencil and Random Mammoth Tusk: *conspire conspire conspire*

Random Pencil: MwhahahahahahahaSNORThahahaha...

Voldie: Hey, that's my laugh!

Random Pencil: It says in the legal rights that it's not solely yours, but for the use of dark lords everywhere.

Voldie: Yes, but you can't snort unless you have a nose.

Random Pencil: Drat.

Binary Alien: 10010101111010101

Shifty Character: *sigh* Meanwhile...
4:59 pm
Voldie: YO!! can we PLEASE get on with this here adventure?!

Paw: Naw.

Randon Pencil: *knits contentedly*

Robin Clancy: *twiddles thumbs*

Paw: *makes funny face*

Paw G: *doesnt know what to write from lack of creativity*
Tuesday, August 17th, 2004
9:33 am
In Mordor....
Sauron: Am sooo taking a Midol after that happening party.

Random Orc: Darn this happening party sure left a big mess for us hottie orcs. Time to clean!

Legolas: Dude i am soooo much hotter and i have the ability to clean soooo much better.

Sartre (random philospher): Human existence is nothingness. *jumps into the cracks of doom*

Harry: Hmmmmm.....

Paw S.: Dont be getting any ideas on killin' yerself before the seventh book boy!

Random lava chunk: i am sooooo unbelieveblelly hot.

Random rock: I am sooo cool.

Sauron: Hey guys the party is over.

Ron: Naw man i still got some rocking in me! Gonna party till the cows come home!

Paw G: Well my cow is already home.

Paw S: Yup i reckon all the cows are already home.

Ron: Oh. Hey how about dancing to Britney Spear's new album!

Harry: Can i throw him in the lava pit?

JKR: No i still need him for the story which i will not reveal but will hint at just to annoy the fans.

Paw S: Can you write in me with the Wesley Twins and a broom closet? They got purty.

JKR: No.

Shifty Character: I like Luna. Can we have a snogging scene in your book?

JKR: Wha?

Shifty Character: Nevermind. It shall be only a dream of mine. *sigh* Meanwhile.
Friday, August 13th, 2004
10:24 am
And now for my turn...
Voldie: I'm ooold and I have a cane. It's been so loooong...

Harry: Dude, it's been two years, you haven't aged that much.

Voldie: That's discriminating against the elderly that is.

Legolas: Hey, I'm like thousands of years old and you don't here me complaining. And my hair still looks as good as it did on day one.

Frodo: Sooo... What's been happening with everyone lately.

Sirius: Well, I died.

Boromir: Great! You can join the dead fantasy characters league which is now 10 million strong and counting. I'm the president.

Random Pencil: 10 million?

Boromir: Did you see all those orcs that got killed in Return of the King? We don't discriminate on age, race, or amount of homicidal mania (which is why my good old dad's here, of course). It's in our creed.

Ron: Remember the good old days, guys? When we went to Florida and stuff?

Random Pencil: Naw.

Ron: Me neither. I thought someone else could have remembered. You know, when this much time passes you start forgetting things.

Harry: It's been TWO YEARS people. Stop acting like it's been so long.

Voldie: I think you're in denial because of those grey hairs.

Harry: ARG!

Shifty Character: Meanwhile...
10:23 am
Rosie's Beginning to VGM: 2 Years Later
Paw G: Well gee golly, would ya look it that! Here we all are again, for more Voldie goes to Mordor! What's ya'll think?

Ron: It's gonna suck just like the last one.

Paw S: Hush up now, young man! *turns to Robin Clancy* *makes funny face*

Aprilly: I am the 4TH person to speak?! Dude what's up with this.

Random Pencil: I'll have you know that me and Random Mammoth Tusk now have our plan for world domination planned out, now we just have to execute it...say, Voldie, can i borrow them Death Eaters?

Voldie: Naw.

Random Pencil: Shucks.

Paw G: Now listen up everyone. Let's try and concentrate on the task at hand, getting Voldie to Mordor!

Everyone else: *blinks* *laughs*

Shifty Character: Meanwhile...
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